A couple of weeks ago, my uncle passed away. He had struggled for years with a slow disease, and his death was unrelated to Covid-19 and the coronavirus. Despite that, the virus cast its shadow on his passing. The family was unable to gather in-person to mark and mourn his passing. After a day or two’s reflection, my aunt decided to gather the immediate family for a Zoom-based memorial service.

My aunt asked me to prepare the memorial service, and, honored, I of course agreed. My brother took care of setting up the Zoom meeting, while I wrote the service. For now, we aimed for a simple memorial, with only the immediate family attending. We figured out how to share music over the computer. I worked to set the scene beforehand, setting up candles and flowers in a more formal spot in my house.

Perhaps most importantly, we sent notes on using Zoom to the family beforehand, with tips and tricks about “gallery view” vs. “speaker view” and a reminder that none of us had ever done this before, so it was all right to feel awkward. It was all right to feel whatever we were feeling about trying to grieve together online. If you’d like some PDF resources about a Zoom memorial service, please look to the bottom of the post. In the meantime, here are some other thoughts we had along the way:

The Zoom memorial service included some of the following:

• Ingathering and Introductions:
  • As everyone joined the Zoom call, we said hello and took some time to make sure that everyone felt as comfortable as possible with the Zoom setting. With a smaller group of about 10 Zoom users, this was a manageable feat.
  • Once everyone had settled into Zoom, we all introduced each other and reminded each other of our relationship to the deceased and where we were calling in from. (Not all of us knew people from the other relevant side of the family).

• Prelude music:
  • We used the prelude music to switch to “service mode.” I moved from our kitchen to our living room, where I had set up my officiant’s spot in our living room. Guests were encouraged to stretch, gather kleenexes, and settle in.

• During the memorial service itself:
  • I wished we’d suggested switching from Gallery View to Speaker view when the service featured only one speaker primarily (such as during a prayer, reading, eulogy (or other “few words” about the deceased).
  • My brother served as Zoom tech host. He unmuted/muted speakers, as well as turned on the music, so that I wouldn’t have to do that while officiating. I think this helped with the flow of the service.
  • We did include a musical offering during the service; it was a special song for my aunt and uncle.
  • We included a slideshow about my uncle; it didn’t have music, so this served as a moment of silence, in effect.
  • The service ended with a postlude, during which everyone gathered snacks, stretched, etc. I kept the prelude and postlude music to about three to four minutes.

• After the service:
  • We reminded everyone that it’s all right to feel awkward about ending the gathering. None of us have ever been part of a Zoom memorial service before. When it comes time for each of us to leave, let’s try to give virtual hug, or some other special word of comfort to stand in for being able to offer her our physical presence. 
  • To leave the call, click “leave meeting” at the bottom of your screen. 

PDF Resources

I’ve written up my observations of what worked well from the perspective of the planner/presider, as well as the notes we sent out to family/memorial service attendees before the service, so as to familiarize them with Zoom beforehand. If you are in need of guidance at a sad and stressful time, here are some PDFs of Zoom memorial resources that may be helpful.